Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Just the way you are*

199 pounds
It finally feels like summer is fully here—school is a distant memory, my days are my own, and it's hot enough that I sweat too much every day.

Thankfully, I'm sweating because I'm working out all the time. Two-a-days are now a regular part of my routine. The only problem is that my weight isn't budging. I keep telling myself that all of this hard work will pay off in the long run, but it's hard to be patient, you know?

Then I ask myself, why do I care that my weight is up? I feel good, I look good, so what's the problem? Aren't I the one who always says we shouldn't worry about the number on the scale? And that we should love ourselves the way we are?

So why has my recent weight gain been so hard on me emotionally?

I think it's because I accepted myself at 192 pounds, which was really, really hard to do and took years of working on how I saw myself and thought about my body. It wasn't easy to look in the mirror, know that I weighed over 190 pounds, and be happy. But I did it. I really did it.

The only problem is that once I accepted myself at that weight, I became unhappy as soon as I inexplicably started gaining weight.

But why should I care if I've gained a few pounds as long as I'm still healthy and attractive? I'm the one who always says it's just a number, right?

I wish I could say I simply believed this without any difficulty, but the truth is that it's been really hard over the past few months to learn that practicing what I preach means accepting myself at any weight, not just a weight that I've accepted in the past but also a weight I have to accept myself at now.

Fortunately, two things happened over the past few days to get me to the place I need to be with my new weight:

1) I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and was surprised to see that my body was rocking the curves. They didn't look bad or flabby or gross. They looked hot.

2) And then today, Dave and I were hanging around the house when he looked at me appreciatively and said, "I don't know why you worry about your body. You look great."

I guess I have no choice now but to listen.

*In honor of accepting myself the way I am, I've included a smoking hot picture of Colin Firth as Mark Darcy, Mr. "I like you very much—just as you are."